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Dear George,
I have been following your teachings. I am having relationship issues and would need your counsel. I have been in a distant relationship and we recently started having issues.
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She believes I don’t trust her because I question her a lot about her moves, they are usually suspicious questions and it haven’t been going down well with her. There has been a lot of changes in our relationship, she rarely call even though she doesn’t ignore my own calls.
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Each time I ask her questions, she answers me sarcastically. For instance, I would call and ask her who and who is around her she would respond “plates and spoons. Are you satisfied now?” Or I would ask “Is it Abuja you’re traveling to?” and she would respond “No, I am traveling to London”. She always indicate I shouldn’t police her the way I do especially when we aren’t married.
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At some point I am feeling the relationship isn’t working anymore. I feel she’s tired of it all but each time I ask her she says she isn’t tired of the relationship. I would suggest the way things are going, we may start keeping other companies and she would respond that I am free to keep any company I like since I have my life to live. I feel she was the one who made up this whole thing because she always kept constant communication with her ex and his number is saved on her phone as ” twinkler” and that was when I started keeping tabs on her that much because I really love her and intend marrying her.
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I need your counsel because she isn’t passionate anymore about the whole thing and yet she doesn’t want us to break up. She picks offense at the slightest question and gives me silly answers. We’ve not had sex, we maintained we aren’t having sex till marriage and sometimes I want to think she is cheating on me but on the other hand she is a Christian and is the prayer secretary in the Church.
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We have dated for three years now but I personally feel she’s tired with all the attitudes she is showing up. Right now, I want to break up with her but I need your advice.

  • Albert, Nigeria

Dear Albert,
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Distant relationship comes with it own complexities but from your story, I don’t think the problem in your relationship is about the difficulties in distant relationship, I think its you and your loads of insecurities. You are always suspecting something is going on because you’re always feeling insecure.
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You need to understand that being in relationship with someone doesn’t mean putting all your life into the affair especially when the both of you aren’t married. You need to have your space as much she has hers and you need to give a lot of benefit of doubt in your relationship. It is annoying to always be keeping tabs on people and at a point they can get fed up with it because you don’t trust them. I know she is far away from you, but been overprotective will not protect her own interest. She has her life to live as much as you have yours to live.
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Her ex’s phone number is saved on her phone as “Twinkler” because that might have been the name she used to save it before meeting you. Besides, you don’t have to be “Twinkler”. I was in a relationship where my partner saved her ex with “First Official Boyfriend”, I know I was irritated, I know I was jealous and I know I didn’t feel good about it. But I was wrong about how I felt because that was of course her first official boyfriend and I can’t change it! I can’t do anything about it, I just have to put effort and make it work between us. They were also still communicating but at a point I didn’t care about it anymore because I had come to trust her that even if she sleeps over in a man’s house, I can still keep my cool. I am not saying there isn’t spots of jealousy sometimes but I fight it off all the time.
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You need to calm your head and work out the best for your relationship. You are overwhelmed by your insecurities and it is sponsoring unnecessary assumptions. You don’t have to call her and ask her who and who is right there with her. What will you do with that information? Of what benefit will it be to your relationship? You don’t have to call her and ask her questions that will suggest you don’t trust her. It is not possible to build any meaningful relationship with someone you don’t trust. Assumption and insecurities from your own side is ruining your relationship, you need to keep a blind eyes to things that really doesn’t matter.
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What if you eventually get married and she travels for a month? Is this how you’ll keep ruining her day by sending signals that says ” wife, I don’t trust you!” Because each time you ask those questions, you’re telling her how much you don’t trust her! I have not seen anything she did wrong to make you want to break up with her. I am not saying you don’t have the exclusive right to break up if you no longer feel at peace with the relationship. Her sarcastic answers to your questions is simply her own way of telling you she doesn’t like the questions you ask her. If she is dating someone else as you think, how would she be picking your calls when she is with him? At least you admitted she responds to your calls all the time.
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About being passionate, your actions might have killed her passion or things might have normalized a bit. Love goes beyond passion, passion may ignite attention but when its gone, love remains. In fact, the true test of love is when the passion and attraction is gone. When I got into my relationship, it was lovely and she was very crazy about me as much as I was! With time I felt she wasn’t as passionate as I was because I would still type romantic messages, buy gifts, do a lot of stuff without getting “I love you” as a response from her. However, I knew she still wanted me, I knew she still loved me because I was still the one she still want to be with always. Even while I couldn’t see as much passion as I wanted, I knew I was still the man.
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Everyone gets jealous, I get very jealous too but we must soft pedal on the speed! We shouldn’t magnify our assumptions! If you break up with her, you’ll still probably break up with another. I think what you need isn’t ultimately a break up, you need to work on yourself and I’ll tell you why.
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You talked about keeping other companies. I want to address that a bit! That you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re sold out to that person. Okay, I am always guilty of using myself as a burnt offering to my partner but it taught me a lesson! You can’t be with your partner always, even if you’re married to her you can’t be with her always! Learn to make other friends but set a boundary they can’t cross. There is always a place in your heart that belongs to that special person but don’t live in isolation! Hang out with good friends, be open and also be sincere and accountable to your partner.
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Also know that while we always pray that our relationships ends in marriage, while we always work towards that end it may not be so. We should appreciate whatever the outcome is but we have to be intentional about making it what we dream it to be.
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Finally, stop seeking fulfillment from your partner. You pay too much attention to how you feel and not how she feels! Your decisions right now is strongly based on your own interest and not on her own interest. You don’t need to do anything extraordinary to make this relationship work, that passion can be ignited too if you just start loving her. Like I do to everyone, I’d recommend you study 1 Corinthians 13 every morning and let it guide all your decisions and you’ll see light shinning through that relationship.
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Have any questions concerning your relationship or a subject in Christianity? Reach George today via contact@georgesdiary.com.ng
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Blessings
#GracefulGeorge

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